"Imma Get Medieval on Your Ass" ~Marsellus Wallace [MA: language]

October 8, 2017

[Originally written April 25, 2006]


So this morning, I'm still in a half-sober morning haze, and not feelin' all that great about the fact that it's 6:30am. I'm amidst my morning routine, and pull back the shower curtain to start running the water for what I anticipate is going to be a warm, soothing, wonderfully lathering experience to start my exhilarating day. Allow me to preface, I have a general distaste...nay, a general malaise....for spiders.

There, gallantly standing about 3 inches from me, is a spider - no lie, no exaggeration - the size of my head. He appeared to be laughing at me...that evil clown laugh that resonates thru your whole body.

Once I cleaned up the pool of blood that collected after I passed out and slammed my head on the porcelain of the toilet, I stood up to this mother fucker, and chided, "You're not the boss of me". I mustered the courage to gather no less than 3,000 feet of toilet paper so that I could bring this monster to his 8 knees. In movie-theater slow motion, I move in for the kill....at which point, this arachnidan asshole literally stood up on his back four legs and scoffed, Are you sure you want a piece of this, bitch?"

In true Kill-Bill fashion, I say "Oh yea, mother fucker....this is DEFINITELY gonna hurt you more than it hurts me." And I go for him. I get him on the first grab, but I still have the terrifying sensation that this monkey-fuck of a spider is still alive, and just waiting for me to release the pressure of my opposable thumb and forefinger, so that HE can attempt to finish ME off. While choking back on my own vomit, I summon the power of Jun Kazama, and I put the fucking death grip on him. I feel the gratifying "pop" of his midsection. Yea bitch, who owns this joint NOW????

I toss him and his Quilted Northern coffin in the toilet, and try to regain my strength to resume my routine. However, all I can think about is this super-bug somehow reconstituting in the water, crawling back...bigger, better, stronger...and destroying all that is holy. But at this point, I'm already 15 minutes behind in my morning routine, and I don't know that I can sacrifice the 2-3 minutes I'll have to wait while the toilet is running, in order to avoid scalding burns in the shower. Fuck it.



This little bastard not only floated OUT of his double-ply cocoon and started flailing his disease-infested legs, but I swear to you, he screamed all the way down.

Now, when I first moved into my new apartment, I found a couple spiders here and there, but got all existential on their asses when I was told it was good luck to have a spider in your new dwelling. I let many of them live happy, peaceful, fly-eating spider lives. At first, maybe they were thankful. Now? They're just totally taking fucking advantage of me. Fuck that. There's gonna be an all out war on these fuckers now.

I love the smell of Raid in the morning. Smells like.........victory.

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